Lates Updates from BadJocks.com

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Top Five Surprising Punishments From the NFL for the New Orleans Saints Following Bounty-gate

By now, most of you know that the National Football League has suspended Sean Payton for the entire season and the Saints general manager for eight games following an investigation into reports that the defensive coordinators paid players a cash bounty for injuring opposing players. There is a whole laundry list of punishments handed out by the league, some you've heard of, others you may not.

Top Five Surprising Punishments From the NFL for the New Orleans Saints Following Bounty-gate

#5. Brad and Angelina will attend every game, lecture you at halftime about the importance of hurricane preparedness.
#4. Defensive players have their jock straps injected with fire ants just before kick-off.
#3. That "cheese" on your nachos? Oh yeah, they're going to punish you by making it from bland, flavorless real cheese.
#2. Brett Favre allowed to play for team at any time he wants to "un-retire" again, no questions asked.
#1. Beer prices cut in half, but they pour it into your hands.

Have suggestions to add to the list? Post them in comments below.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Video - Douchebag Siri: the Fixed Apple iPhone Rock God Commercial

If you haven't already seen this one . . .

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Top Five Rejected Titles for Taylor Swift Songs

Squeaky clean country singer Taylor Swift has had a string of #1 songs over the past few years. But not every one she writes is a gem.

Top Five Rejected Titles for Taylor Swift Songs

#5. "I'm Rich, Tall, Blonde and Pretty, Why Won't Anyone Go Out With Me?"
#4. "My Parents Stole All the Money From My Last Album, Now I'm Gettin' Me a Gun"
#3. "Listen Up Young Girls: The Truth is, All You Need Are Breast Implants"
#2. "Blah, Blah, Blah, You Dumbasses Will Buy Anything I Sing"
#1. "I'm So Sorry I Gave You an STD"

Got suggestions of your own? Post them in the comments section below.

Top Five Excuses for Abandoning Your Cruise Ship

Francesco Schettino, 52, the captain of the Costa Concordia cruise ship that ran aground in Italian waters this week and sank, gave a slapstick account this week of how he ended up safely in a lifeboat instead of going down with his ship. His excuse? Schettino says he tripped and fell into the boat as it was being lowered into the sea and could not climb back out.

Yeah, right.

Top Five Excuses for Abandoning Your Cruise Ship

#5. You thought it was part of the new "Tilt the Board Over to Make It Easier to Get Off" service.
#4. Was trying to catch a foul ball for his kid during the crew softball game and fell over the railing.
#3. Hey, somebody has to inspect the bottom of the boat at least once and a while, right?
#2. Thought they were auditioning actors for the movie "Titanic II."
#1. Captains going down with the ship is so old fashioned.

Have a suggestion for this list? Please add it in the Comments section below.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Top Five Reasons You Weren't Selected for Donal Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice"

Billionaire real estate mogul and reality TV producer Donald Trump just announced the cast for the next season of Celebrity Apprentice. A lot of people wanted to be on the show but didn't get selected. Why?

Top Five Reasons You Weren't Selected for Donal Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice"

#5. On more than one occasion, you accidentally refereed to Mr. Trump as Mr. Combover.
#4. Even Gary Busey looks at you and says, "That's one crazy, messed up dude."
#3. Your only claim to fame so far is NOT marrying a Kardashian sister.
#2. You insisted on appearing only in a masked pro wrestler costume and be called "Dr. Mysterio."
#1. You get all your business advice from the voices in your head and right now they'll telling you to buy Kodak stock.

Got a suggestion for this list? Post it in the comments below.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Top Five Signs You're NOT Going to Win the #IowaCaucus

The Iowa Caucuses are tonight (January 3, 2012) with a large field of Republican candidates vying for their party's nomination. Someone will win, but others will lose . . . and lose badly.


Top Five Signs You're NOT Going to Win the Iowa Caucus

#5. You're the only one at one of your rallies in a Star Trek uniform.
#4. Your campaign "war chest" would barely get you anything off the McDonald's Dollar Menu.
#3. When it comes to shaking hands and kissing babies you keep getting those two confused.
#2. Your policy on the Middle East is to send everyone to their rooms without supper until they learn to behave.
#1. The only pop star to endorse you was Miley Cyrus.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Top Five Signs Your New Years Resolutions Aren't Working

Did you make any New Years resolutions this year? Going to drop 20 lbs, quit smoking, maybe look for a job you lazy bastard?  Sometimes New Years resolutions work, and sometimes they don't.

Top Five Signs Your New Years Resolutions Aren't Working

#5. You want to quit smoking but the kid behind the register at the Butt Hutt is your only real friend.
#4. Once you stopped drinking, you realized just how boring your regular life is.
#3. No, looking one time at a pair of cute twins and thinking you wanted to date both of them does NOT make you a sex addict. Quit something else.
#2. You only got as far as "In 2012 I resolve to . . . " and then passed out drunk with a burning cigarette in one hand and a hooker in the other.
#1. Your resolution was to stop making New Years Resolutions.



Got a suggestion of your own? Add it to the Comments section below.


Monday, July 11, 2011

Top Five Lame Excuses #MLB Players Are Using for Not Attending the #All-Star Game

A record 16 Major League Base#ball players, voted by fans to play in the All Star Game Tuesday night, will NOT be playing for a variety of reasons. Some are injured, but many more seem to just want to take the week off and relax.

Top Five Lame Excuses MLB Players Are Using for Not Attending the All-Star Game

#5. "My wife heard there was a 'Hot Boobie' thing that blew through Phoenix last week and she don't want me anywhere near there."
#4. "There's a special sneak peak of the new Harry Potter movie playing at the cineplex that night and I've spent weeks on my Professor Snape costume. Weeks, I tell ya!"
#3. "Wouldn't you know it, I got picked to be on the jury for Roger Clemens perjury trial."
#2. "Don't you know Women's World Cup soccer is going on right now? And I hate to admit it, but I have a HUGE bet on the outcome of the Ghana vs. North Korea match."
#1. "Not looking forward to the pre-game tradition where Cal Ripkin comes in and gives everyone a surprise 'Hall of Fame Wedgie.'

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Top Five Surprises in the New "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2" Movie

Think you know what to expect from the last Harry Potter movie?

Top Five Surprises in the New "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2" Movie

#5. Clint Eastwood actually directed, renamed series "Dirty Harry Potter" and there's actually less gun play than previous installments.
#4. Hermione Granger: really a dude.
#3. Dobie the House Gnome comes back from the dead after three days, goes on to found widely popular new religion.
#2. Last five pages of the book have actually been turned into Deathly Hallows s #: The End, Really This Time!"
#1. In the end, Harry defeats Voldemort with a Magical Hogwarts Wedgie.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Top Five Least Popular Fourth of July Fireworks Names

It's that time of year again, when Americans celebrate the birth of our nation by blowing up small pieces of it.

Top Five Least Popular Fourth of July Fireworks Names

#6. "I Can't Believe It's Not Dynamite!"
#5. Uncle Lefty's Nasty Surprise
#4. Slip 'n' Slide 'n' Sparklers
#3. Giant Ball of Hornets
#2. Lindsay Lohan's Flash Panties
#1. "Let's Not Wake the Baby!"

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Top Five Rejected New Slogans on Cigarette Packages

UPDATE: I added two more! These ones are actually sorta funny, too.

EARLIER: Starting this week, cigarette packages will carry even MORE graphic messages and pictures about the dangers of smoking. As usual, the US government went through a LOT of messages before selecting the ones that ultimately ended up on the packages.


Top Five Rejected New Slogans on Cigarette Packages

#7. "Don't your farts smell bad enough?"
#6. "Hey, it's not like those guys on Mad Men are getting laid, right?"

#5. "Given a choice between cigarettes and meth, 4 out of 5 dentists choose meth."
#4. "Isn't the only one smoking in movies any more the villain? Who wants to be the villain in the movie of their own life?"
#3. "You know who else smoked? Hitler!"
#2. "Smoking no longer makes you look cool. Setting your pants on fire, THAT makes you look cool, mister!"
#1.  "Hey, if you quit smoking, you'll have a free hand to text while driving."

Want to add your suggestion? Use the comments section below and show everyone how funny you are!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Top Five Reasons High School Students Do Poorly on Their US History Test

Apparently, high school seniors in the United States are getting dumber . . . at least when it comes to their knowledge of US History. In results from an annual test, only 12 percent of high school seniors demonstrated proficiency on the exam. That's like only a C+ or something according to today's grading standards.


Top Five Reasons High School Students Do Poorly on Their US History Test

#5. Confuse Betsy Ross, inventor of the first American Flag, with Diana Ross, inventor of Michael Jackson
#4. Mistakenly believe that Thomas Edison invented the wedgie when, in fact, he was the first nerd to receive one, shortly after men's underwear was invented by immigrant Pierre Tighteewhitee.
#3. Thought any questions about World War "Eleven" were tricks because no one talks much about the other ten World Wars, do they?
#2. Most claim they were freaked out by this whole spring after seeing Kirsti Alley's creepy rumba moves on "Dancing With the Stars."
#1. If it ain't part of an iPhone App, they have no clue what it is.