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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Top Five Real Reasons Ronald McDonald Can't Retire

Have you seen the news? Health organizations across the US are demanding that fast food giant McDonalds retire their long time mascot, Ronald McDonald. The company is steadfastly saying "no" although we're hearing that the red-headed clown would love to retire . . . if only he could.

Top Five Real Reasons Ronald McDonald Can't Retire
#5. Ray Kroc's damned widow has those awful pictures of him and Mayor McCheese after that night in Tijuana.
#4. Still owes more than 90 grand in student loans for that stupid PhD he got from Hamburger University in "Fryology." (What was he thinking?)
#3. Had hoped he could get the CBS Evening News anchor gig after Couric left, but the network said they wanted to try and get "someone with actual broadcasting skills this time." What-ever!
#2. After fifty years of only being forced to eat nothing but cheeseburgers, fries and shakes, his cardiologist is afraid "normal food" would make his heart explode.
#1. Still has an "obligation" to the Gambino family for that little incident back in '95 where he had tried to have the Burget King whacked.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Top Five Reasons Why Your iPad Factory Might Be Exploding

For some unknown reason, there was an explosion at the iPad factory in China. So far, no one seems to know why.

Top Five Reasons Why Your iPad Factory Might Be Exploding
#5.Someone in the factory found out how much stupid American's will pay for one, compared that to how little he gets paid, and his brain popped.
#4. The young guys in research and develop have some interesting theories about improving download speeds by using gun powder. And, they drink a lot.
#3. Some wise guy actually tried to install an actual Angry Bird into the device.
#2. Well, Charlie Sheen's "Torpedo of Truth" stage show was in town that day.
#1. When Apple CEO Steve Jobs asks for a f*cking explosion, no one at the company has the balls to ask why.

Top Five Signs Your Favorite TV Show Just Might Be Canceled

It's that time of year again: TV networks are canceling shows--sometimes great shows--for what seems like no good reasons. How can you tell if your favorite TV show might be in danger of being canceled?

Top Five Signs Your Favorite TV Show Just Might be Canceled

#5. They blatantly stole the format of FOX's Glee, but instead of a bunch of high school kids singing and dancing, they just silently play chess for an hour.
#4. Five words: How I Met Your Dentist
#3. It's a reality show were has-been celebrities compete for ten bucks and change to see who can run a comb through Donal Trump's hair.
#2. In the middle of the action, the lead character stops reading his lines, jumps up and shouts "I'm missing Dancing With the Stars!" and it actually improves show.
#1. The most compelling character is a talking dog . . . and this is one of those crime scene investigation shows.