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Thursday, June 2, 2011

Top Five Signs Your Kid's Not Going to Win the #NationalSpellingBee

It's that time of year again: youngsters from the across the country are asked to spell words you and I have never heard of. Unfortunately, not everyone will be able to win the National Spelling Bee . . . especially your kid.

Top Five Signs Your Kid's Not Going to Win the National Spelling Bee (We actually have seven today!)

#7. He thought he could hide a list of words in his shorts, but pulling down his pants each time he was asked a word surprisingly caught the judge's attention.
#6. The only "writing" he ever does is text messaging his stupid friends and that one overly affectionate Math teacher. OMG!
#5. Somehow confused the Spelling Bee with WWE's "Monday Night Raw" and clobbered some kid over the head with a folding chair to dramatically end the first round.
#4. She was just a bit jittery after consuming about a dozen of those 5 Hour Energy Drinks and is having trouble focusing.
#3. The Vegas Mob has a LOT of money riding on that Asian kid from California winning and your boy is kinda fond of his kneecaps.
#2. Every time the judges ask her to spell a word, she angrily responds with "Can YOU spell it Mr. Smartypants? Well you can you, you stupid f*cking bastard?"
#1. Misspelled his own name on his name-tag; still not sure where he went wrong.

Add your suggestion in the comments section below!

Top Five Signs Your Congressman is Naughty (aka #Weinergate)

UPDATE: New York Congressman Anthony Weiner admits that he had "inappropriate" online relationships with at least six women.

EARLIER: So, US Representative Anthony "Mr. Twitter" Weiner claims that he didn't send a Twitterpic of his man meat in boxers to a college coed, but won't say for sure that it wasn't him in the picture. So, was it an accident, a hack job or . . . what? Regardless of how this turns out, you always have to be on guard for politicians who aren't as "proper" as they portray themselves.

Top Five Signs Your Congressman is Naughty
#5. While giving Capitol tours to high school kids, accidentally unzips fly, offers to show them his "replica of the Washington Monument."
#4. Refuses to take cash for bribes, wants instead to only be paid in that creepy Japanese anime p0rn.
#3. Offered a Constitutional Amendment lowering the age of consent below 16 for "hot chicks who actually are really mature for their age."
#2. Giggles like a school girl every time President Obama threatens to use a "pocket veto."
#1. One of his core beliefs? The US should declare a national holiday every time they release a new "Girls Gone Wild" DVD.

Want to add your own to the list? Please use the Comments section below.

Top Five Surprises in Windows 8

The latest version of Microsoft's operating system, called Windows 8, was demonstrated to audiences at a computer conference in Taiwan over the weekend. What's different about this new version?

Top Five Surprises in Windows 8

#5. If it fails to reboot properly after three tries, just gives up and prints out a coupon for a free Apple iMac.
#4. An on screen calculator gives you a minute-by-minute update on just how rich Bill Gates is.
#3. Seamlessly connects your desktop, laptop, tablet, smart phone and what little cash is left in your checking account.
#2. If you hit Control, Alt and the Shift keys at the same time, it comes alive, begins search for Sarah Conner.
#1. Well, it actually works.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

#BlakeLively's Top Five Excuses for Taking Those Naked Cell Phone Pictures

The Interwebs are abuzz with talk that actress Blake Lively (Gossip Girl, Green Lantern) created some naked pictures of herself with her cell phone and sent them out. Of course, it's probably just a coincidence that she has a big movie coming out (Green Lantern) and a new season of her TV show, Gossip Girl, and just happens to be dating Hollywood leading man Leonardo DiCaprio. Of course, now that everyone (okay, almost everyone) has seen them, her representatives are saying they are not actually pictures of her, but someone else.


Blake Lively's Top Five Excuses for Taking Those Naked Cell Phone Pictures

#5. Steve Jobs called, said there was a new iPhone app that actually could put clothes ON pictures of naked girls, but he needed some test shots to see if it actually works. It was research!
#4. Hey, ain't nobody ever said you had to be Steven Hawking to become an second-rate actress in Hollywood.
#3. Her producers on Gossip Girl claimed it would help her prepare for a plot twist this season where her character actually does exact same stupid thing.
#2. You know, at some point you'll do just about ANYTHING to get Leonardo to shut up after you mistakenly ask him to explain the plot of Inception.
#1. We're all grieving the death of Macho Man Randy Savage in our own way.